Holloween 2023

Po Boy Views

By

Phil LaMancusa

Midnight Special

Or

All Hallows Eve

        Halloween--being the day and evening before the Christian holy days of All Hallows Day (All Saints Day) on November one and All Souls Day on November two. The ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain, considered the earliest known root of Halloween and celebrated on October 31^st, hijacked by Christians and brought to this country rumored to be the time when the spirit gates are thrown open and goblins, ghosts, spirits and the dead are free to roam the earth and have a good old Monster Mash. We’re all supposed to be very much afraid and give them candy.

        I wish that it was as easy as giving away sweets to assuage the fears that I have; daily I feel like the Gates of Hell have come down like the Berlin Wall without the accompaniment of Pink Floyd. Like they say in the Middle East “the fit has hit the Shan!” and there’s no escaping the manure storm.

        Are you also feeling like that? A lot of people that I know are and it’s not just a matter of ‘who is the child with no complaint?’ The world around us has gone certifiably insane and it seems that the inmates are running the asylum; we‘ve gone to hell in a bucket and I, for one, am NOT enjoying the ride. Pass the Kit Kats please.

        “Nature is alive and talking to us; we’re not listening, this is not a metaphor” (Terence McKenna). Here comes the first Tricker Treaters:

        First: The Politicians. You can tell right away because they come with their entire dirty laundry showing; they don’t want candy. They want money (and my vote); they also want to give me a list of banned books and reasons why Global Warming is bogus. Go back to Florida, ya bums!!

        Next: The AI People they know who I am because of facial recognition; they have ingested data and quantum computing has told them that I’m keeping the good stuff for myself and the probability of where my stash is. They claim not to be responsible for anything because they’re “still learning” I yell “That man’s nuts… grab ‘em!” and they all scattered.

        And who is this in those campy outfits, sequins, spandex and Kitschy make up? Why it’s Gen Z! They want tickets to Cirque du Soleil (they are so into feats of athletic daring). Sorry kids, you need to hit up the guy next door with the Toyota Camry in the driveway.

        Then: The Unhoused and Food Insecure, formerly known as the Homeless and Hungry; I’m ready with blankets, bags of ice and gift cards to Starbucks and Bed, Bath and Beyond. They are now setting up camp in my backyard and we’ll have a weenie roast and sing-along and I have a new family (complete with tarps, bicycles and shopping carts). They’re some swell folks and I’ll never be lonely again.

        Oops!  Here comes Door to Door Salvation! Dressed like a sixties family television program. They just want to talk about my future Heavenwise or Hellbent and have I gotten their pamphlets and newsletters and could I please offer up my salvation as their treat before they TP my house.

        Now; The Environmentalists are a knockin’ and they want to know if I would give up my electronic equipment, my power mower, blower, air conditioner and any and all plastic in my house including the toilet seat and shower curtain; what do I think about zoos and have I considered a vegan diet? I am humbled; I sit on my steps and weep.

        Here’s The Politically Correct contingent: they want to know if, since the visitors have come around tonight, if I’ve done or said anything to offend or upset trick or treaters who are disadvantaged because of their sex, gender, race or disability; they tell me that if I’ve commented on anyone’s appearance that it could be construed as sexual harassment. They want me to sign something. I quote Archie Bunker (“Meatheads!”) and slam the door.        

        I knew they’d come: The Millennials special, confident, team oriented, smart and casual in slip dresses, tube tops and cargo pants. They don’t want much. They want to talk about the latest trends, sustainability, social justice and economic equality. They’re all on plant based diets, inquire after fruit flavored filtered Smart water, avocado toast, acai and poke bowls in the funniest accents.

        Holey Samolies! At the door now is an entire cast of a Late Night News and Entertainment Show! They’re all talking and sometimes shouting to be heard over each other “A storm in the gulf appears to be headed right toward your house; see my spaghetti models?” “My next guest needs no introduction; she has a new book out…”In Washington, twelve senators have indicted each other over free speech being spoken.” “The wife of a famous ex-politician is reportedly having an affair with a French pop star and is…”Across the globe, fires, earthquakes, tornadoes and migrant boats….”   “HOLD IT—HOLD IT!!!” I yell “Cut to a station break and move along and do not, I repeat, do not send The Commercials over here or I’ll cancel the lot of you!”

        Just in time: Some Children they’re dressed up like comic book heroes, Barbie dolls, the Flash, Spiderman, minions, Turtle Ninjas, Darth Vadar and some girls named Wednesday and Eleven?  They’re all yelling; one is crying; they’ve got their grubby little hands out; they’re high on sugar; chocolate stained; their shopping bags must weigh ten pounds already and they want more; one has lost a shoe; there are no adults in sight and I think that little one has wet his pants. Now I’m really scared.