Thursday, April 2, 2009

Emotional New Orleans

The Storm Amongst Us
It’s All Your Fault
Are you as prepared for the next hurricane as you were for your last relationship? You may be in trouble and here is this month’s query: when you see the storm season approaching in your personal life do you batten down your hatches, evacuate or watch and wait for the water to wash you away? Do you cut and run, stay and fight or just suck it up? Yes friends… guess what’s coming to an emotionally and coastally eroded neighborhood near you?
As if life has not already taken us to the limit of our patience. As if the mettle of our core values aren’t being bitch slapped with the frequency and intensity deserving of the dysfunctional passion play that we are caught in. As if we’re all not already being water boarded in the long, dark Guantanamo of our souls (guilty without being charged) every friggin’ day.
We watch the evening weather religiously in the days that we share, with visceral expectation, witnessing the approach of our nebulous nemesis as it turns from depression to storm and possibly into the bogeyman and bane of our existence. As if it (life in general) aint hard enough.
I just now saw that the expiration dates on my evac-ation food supplies are a one way ticket to salmonellaville. I am especially disappointed in my mandarin oranges, Bush’s baked beans and Spam. Le Sueur early peas are good for five years. Louisiana hot sauce and Girl Scout cookies never expire; however, I may have to replenish my Twinkie supply; but, they don’t last long around here anyway.
On the brighter side, it is about time we cleaned out the refrigerator and stockpiled potable water. On the brighter side, it’s June and some lovely couple will be tying the knot that will try them until death do them part. On the brighter side life is a crap-shoot and if we’re to survive with our hides and hearts intact we certainly need a little more practicality and a little less hardheadedness.
Consider the occurrences and incidences in your life as a set of menus, with recipes, available or employed only during a particular time or at particular times of the year. Seasons…seasonings…as you need them fitting the occasion and the weather. A hurricane, a dinner, your career or your relationship; is it time for a new recipe, an old standby or could you simply thaw something that you’ve been keeping on ice? Leftovers? Take out or go out? No meal is the same twice, as hard as we may try for consistency in our lives.
Here’s my impending storm menu:
Appetizer: make sure that the vehicle is ready to roll.
The mechanic, the filling station and the personal sight inspection of peripheries (tires, mirrors, AAA card, fluids and wipers etc.). Wash the car wearing that bikini that you look so cute in (kidding).
1st course: keep updated on impending variances in weather conditions to see how serious the focus should be.
Make sure everyone concerned is on board with the program. You don’t want to be busting your ass while someone else is watching ‘Idols Dancing with the Biggest Loser’ or whatever.
Intermezzo: Check the house for the eventuality of storm and wind resistance, anything that you yourself can guard against.
You can only cover your butt to a certain extent, so do that. Windows, shutters, sand bags and loose plants; however, as we all know, if the floodwalls are going to burst there is no saving anything and the priority becomes the ability to haul ass.
Main course: Of course, supplies. Blankets, batteries, drinking water (and stuff), ice chest, food, tissues (you never know), reading material and road maps. Pet supplies, transistor radio, timepiece, cell phone, children’s essentials (don’t forget the kids!) and first aid.
Plan ahead to reduce your perishables and frozen foods at home to a minimum for the remainder of the season; and, in the days prior to the event plan on eating up anything that you would be reluctant to discard. Eat hot meals… it may be awhile before you eat your own cooking.
Dessert: Now you’re ready to stay or go and whichever the case may be: stay focused and relaxed. Take time to plan your route and the rest stops that you will be taking. Time your departure so that a last candlelight dinner (you did remember candles, right?) is an occasion to cherish. Use the good china and silver, after all, what are you saving them for? If you’ve planned to leave, say goodbye to your remaining possessions. If you’re thinking of sticking it out, be prepared to kiss your sweet ass goodbye.
Now, don’t you wish that life could that simple? If anything goes wrong the chances are that it won’t be your fault. You have met and exceeded your own expectations, the expectations that you have been person enough to live up to on a daily basis. You know that an ounce of preparedness is worth the pound of whup-ass that you’d get if you allowed yourself any complacency. You know that any failure would equal the sentencing of yourself and loved ones to heartache of the highest magnitude. If only your life was able to be guided by an emotional hurricane season that only lasted five months out of the year.
But it’s not like that. You can be the victim of your own good intentions. Honest mistakes can be construed as sabotage and a simple wrong move can damn you. The lesson here is that there is a storm in your life every day and if you are not on your toes, or living in a monastery, you will be tested again and again by the ones that hold you nearest and dearest; and by others that hardly know you at all The lesson here is that you may consider that there is no room for losers in our society and that only winners are looked on as successes. Are you prepared?