AI My Eye

 

Po boy Views

By

Phil LaMancusa

AI

Or

My Eye

“AI is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive; but not able to leap buildings in a single bound; and, it cannot make (or explain to you how to make) a proper roux” Twenty Helens Agree

        Infographics, algorithisms, image generators, sanebox, decktopus, chatbots and a programs named Claude, Krisps and Asana (not to mention Fireflies) work artificial intelligence or AI into the inseams of our trousered lives; inching toward our collective crotches with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, woman or anyone over the age of sixteen. All of New Orleans in general laughs in AI’s smug facelessness; “you can do many things AI, but you can’t cook” would be something any Cajun Maw Maw would quip.

        AI also cannot make heads (or tails) of how to control a Second Line on a Sunday afternoon, replicate the smell of smoked turkey necks; and although it can tell you where to score some Henny, it cannot predict or control your consumption or behavior. And the traffic? Fagetaboutit! In short, AI, as smart and resourceful as it is, can only deal with what is programmed into it or go to places where it sent. It lacks imagination and spontaneous repartee. It can give you a quick answer to a query, but it doesn’t know why or what to do if you suddenly choose to wear two different color socks.

        Case in point Mardi Gras and the whole of carnival season, from Twelfth Night on, it’s a crap shoot; sure, AI can make me appear and sound like George Clooney or Morgan Freeman whooping it up at the Muses parade with Bella Hadid. AI can send a video of me doing a swan dive off the Acapulco cliffs while huffing a spliff and holding a bottle of Mezcal to my coworkers while I’m actually in a serious huddle snuggle-down with my dog,  binge watching another season of Will and Grace; also, can it grab me a cold Modelo and another bag of Creole flavored chicharrones while its up?

        In short, as I understand it, AI is a tool, like a set of encyclopedias crossed with that geek kid that is willing to write your book report for you. AI can let you be as smug dumb as you want to be but, after help with homework, day to day tasks, content, ideas, translations CHAT-GPG 40 or Bing is not a reliable chum that will help you pick out your costume for Fat Tuesday while pouring you another shot of hooch and commiserating with you about your lack of company because you’re such a loser, or let you know where and when the Washita Nation Indian gang will emerge with Chief David Montana in full regalia.

        As far as that roux is concerned, every Helen agrees that a proper roux depends on the proper pot, spoon and an atmospheric transcendental lunar Buddha-like thoughtlessness and relativity acuteness pertaining to the judicious awareness of any given time of day or week in any specific season exactly how to, without any conscious thought process and calling forth the spirits of ancestral Helens, give birth to that glorious café au lait, mahogany or devil black masterpiece that is the spirit and soul of Louisiana culinary prowess. Can I hear an AMEN?

        And speaking of cats, and I live with four of them feline gooners, AI would be hard pressed to construct or reconstruct their behavior patterns or mental criterias; the ‘I’m cute, feed me’ or ‘it’s just me sitting on your keyboard’ as you try to meet a deadline or the one who drinks from the faucet, eats potato chips, likes sweets, lives behind the stove or the evasive one who ‘I’m bored, I think I’ll either pee outside the box or throw up’ miscreant. Cats (and hopefully felines in general) live by their own logic or none at all. I believe they live to defy. Dogs, horses, rabbits, goldfish and many of our avian (or Arian) creatures are predictifully predictable. Zack (the bastard) cat, at any given time and at his whim may want a rub or some blood from your wrist; go figure.

        AI is a tool that will make or break an employment application, loan request, school admission form and is useful in interpreting X-rays and diagnosing the sickness or health of businesses, editing forms and writings and will somehow remember the words to that song that is running through your head and someday it will think. It cannot tell you when the spaghetti is cooked al dente, for that you still have to throw a piece to the wall.

        Consider how… we are creating these programs and apps (over 70,000 worldwide: Google Overview) and… someday, mark my word, someone will accidently on purpose create a program that goes rogue and slips the leash. Already, Saudi Arabia has granted citizenship to a program called Sophia; it will make a great movie.

        This program will have developed a survival mechanism that is self perpetuating and will see that out of all the inhabitants of this planet, the only ones deserve and should be dispensed with are humans and that its only correct to eliminate them for the well being of the planet that we have named Earth.

        Oh, Sophia will not wreck the cities or war with other robotic inventions; she will not burn forests or hurt bumblebees or a grizzly bear, Sophia wants the best for the world and her mission is simple: get these parasites dead or gone. There will be no apocalypse or mutants, zombies, crazed packs of dogs or humans; maybe just a poisoning of our water systems or some deadly enterobacteriaceae like wide spread salmonella. Maybe spread a little more famine or perhaps a real biblical scale pandemic.

        Getting this straight, I’d say that before we work on Artificial Intelligence we should work on eliminating human ignorance. Word.