Saturday, August 2, 2008

New Orleans Rreaders poll

Po-boy Views
Phil LaMancusa
The Where Y’at Readers’ Poll
Anything They Can Do, We Can Do Better
As the Sun pulls away from the shore, and our ship sinks slowly in the west, we’re faced with another of my evil twin’s conspiracy suspicions. This time, it’s about a certain weekly newspaper’s ‘Readers’ Poll’.
Putting down his Lucky Strike, and taking another pull from his can of PBR, he illustrated his point. “Do you know any person that lives here that has eaten bread pudding in the last year? In the last five years? I thought not; this is more like an advertiser’s free association quiz than a reader’s poll! If this ‘thing’ (here he backhanded the newspaper) is accurate, the average poll respondent spends half their life in a bar with live music watching the news networks, playing pool, drinking a Hurricane and listening to talk radio. The other half of their life consists of jogging, biking, scootering, skateboarding and walking their dog (freshly groomed) in Audubon Park on their way to eat at Commander’s palace. Or, parking free, hiking, picnicking and proposing marriage while golfing and playing tennis on their way to the museum in City Park before they go out to eat at Commander’s Palace (although it has no view and you won’t be serenaded).”
“You’re obviously on a rant” I responded, “what about the sushi, Chinese food, po-boys and oyster categories? If I’m to believe you, there is no one on their wireless phone calling a divorce and/or personal injury lawyer from the auto repair shop after getting the car (newly bought used) washed and filled up with cheap gas and running into a pot hole on their way to the hardware and Garden Center after shopping at the neighborhood grocery or super market, before going to the liquor/wine/candy/ flower /bakery/seafood/produce shop.”
“More likely,” my brother answered, “you’re forgetting the reader who has pawned his watch to get a tattoo and piercing before buying some CDs and musical instruments, going home after doing some light banking, buying or renting a house and calling the caterer or delivery gourmet food outlet while they open a good book by a local poet that they bought at the ‘best’ bookstore, or news stand, as they pop in a video and consider ways to improve the Jazz Festival.”
“And I think,” added Hinch the hunched backed henchman, from the kitchen, “that you’re both overlooking the politically astute sports minded citizen that is worldly enough to know where to eat healthy lunches of salads and sandwiches, drink coffee and iced coffee, snowballs and martinis, and has good enough sense to find the best burger at one location and the best fries at another. Yes, you overlook that sophisticated urbanite, with perfect hair and nails, that seeks out the perfect view of the lake, river and skyline at dusk, knows the wonders of carnival (and the best way to escape it), North Shore and West Bank destinations, taking out of town visitors on day trips to for yoga, crabbing and swims, avoiding insects and heat while considering the best in health care, having, raising and entertaining children, buying lingerie, party dresses, jewels, and men’s suits at thrift stores. Someone who knows where to get the best cheap Thai/Vietnamese/Italian/Mexican/soul/barbecue/Seafood Steakhouse in a neighborhood late-night breakfast spot for the whole family on a date, with valet parking, a great wine list and clean rest rooms.”
“Enough!” I cried. “I’ll bet my readers know how to answer a poll, especially if the real important questions were asked. I’ll bet that the readers of Where Y’at looked at that other poll and gave it one answer and one answer alone: ‘who cares?’”
And so folks, we repaired to the best gentleman’s gay bar/strip club with a patio, live poetry, DJ and bathroom graffiti and worked out a poll of our own while dancing with local actresses and activists, to live music AND a juke box, drinking the best margarita/cosmopolitan/sazerac/martini/cold beer/bloody Mary. Wouldn’t you have?
Here’s how it works; I give you the questions (and you can bet there won’t be three hundred of them), you snail or email Where Y’at with the answers. We publish the results next month. Everyone gets a real education about this town. Ready? Here goes.
A. Entertainment and nightlife
1. Best movie theatre to see two shows for the price of one
2. Best pick up bar
3. Best pick up line
4. Best bar to get trashed for less
5. Best bar you’ve been 86’d from
6. Best bar for free food
7. Bartender that you have the hots for
8. Beer of choice
9. Likewise hard alcohol drink
10. Best free live music
11. Best place to be at 3A.M.
12. Best street music
13. Best music scene that you visit once a month
14. Best local music artist that you see at least once a month
15. Bouncer that knows you by name
B. Food/Restaurants
1. Best restaurant that gives the most bang for the buck
2. Best restaurant that you drink beer with breakfast in
3. Best place to get a Wop salad
4. Best Greasy Spoon
5. Best ‘awful’ restrooms
6. Best restrooms you can use without being a customer
7. Best restaurant you go to more than twice a month
8. Best ‘worst’ service
9. Best restaurant with affordable alcohol
10. Best restaurant you’ve been keeping a secret
11. Best restaurant where you believe the cooks wash their hands
12. Best restaurant you think is rodent free
13. Best cook in New Orleans
14. Best food in New Orleans
15. Best over rated Chef
16. Best over rated restaurant
17. Best over rated Creole/Cajun dish
18. Best thing you’ve put in your mouth in the last month
19. Best grocery store for take out/sit in food
20. Best sexiest server
C. Politics
1. Best thing you can say about La. Politics
2. Best thing you can say about New Orleans politics
3. Best thing you’d like to tell the Mayor
4. Best thing you’d like to tell the next Mayor
5. Best thing to tell the judge in traffic court
D. Local life
1. Best place to get your bike stolen
2. Best place to have your car broken into
3. Best place to get mugged
4. Best good bar/club-worst neighborhood scenario
5. Best radio station that you listen to more than two hours a day
6. Best book you’ve read about New Orleans
7. Best swimming pool to sneak into
8. Best place to kiss in New Orleans
9. Best reason you can give for living in New Orleans
10. Best thing you’d like to change about living in New Orleans
11. Best way you describe New Orleans to friends from out of town
12. Best places that you don’t shop
13. Best local legend
14. Best way you describe your peer group
15. Best question and answer not asked
That’s it. Either scribble your answers next to the questions or email them giving category and answer (i.e. D-8 On the mouth) to where Y’at.
‘Til next month; live large, tip big, be happy and can anyone tell me about Saint Expedite?

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