Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Po Boy Views New Orleans

Po Boy Views
Phil LaMancusa
Theater of the Absurd
Chapter One
In my life I have been led, followed and plagued by generalities while in search of heroes; and, while heroes are in short supply… I AM mighty long on generalities.
My heroes have never been straight men… (I knew that that would get your attention). My heroes have always been sidekicks, wise guys, cut ups and the pie in the face guys that were the phunny phellows who inevitably got phucked by the phickle phinger of phate as their just reward. Eventually straight men grow into used car salesmen, politicians and movie stars: the people that you take at face value (with a grain of salt). Sidekicks turn morose when drunk, are lovesick at the drop of an eyelash and generally are too insecure to get anything that they really want. They’re never in great physical condition. Here’s more (uneducated) generalizations:
We tend to believe what ‘good looking’ people tell us. We laugh at their jokes and value their opinions and they can be the most charismatic and the most dangerous. The sweetest of women tend to fall prey to hot looking guys when they combine their looks with adequate hygiene and bad boy personas. Eventually they will be caught in lies and found out to be more in love with themselves than they ever could be with anyone else. Being in love with a ‘bad boy’ is a rite of passage for women and a lively topic of conversation in later years over cocktails.
Young sweet perky women eventually wonder why the majority of men that they meet think of them as sexual trophies without intellect or sophistication. If they smoke cigarettes they are viewed as promiscuous and guys find that it’s fun to ply them with drinks and look down their blouses, that is, until they start crying over that bad boy that they’re in love with and that happens just before they throw up and pass out. Would I lie to you?
Homely people have no talent; but, put eyeglasses on them and they become geniuses with a financially secure future. Overweight people are lazy unless they enter the performing arts, pet owners are generally trustworthy and gay men know all the words to show tunes and are great decorators. Interracial couples are on borrowed time, doctors are never wrong, that sweet old lady would never hurt a fly, you don’t want to know what a cook in a restaurant does to your food and those kids over there are on drugs and looking for something to steal. Salespeople will tell you whatever you want to hear. Jewish people are tight with their money. See how easy this is?
We tend to judge folks on their appearance and on pubic and private profiling; after all, what else do we have to go by? Black folks (and they don't like to be called 'folks' by the way) are terrible tippers and eat lots of fried chicken. Orientals are smarter than us but have no peripheral vision, Germans have strong body odor and the guy that pulled the trigger is surely of African descent. Italians are family oriented but are into organized crime, if he’s a cop he’s probably Irish, that girl behind the counter is probably putting herself through school and anyone who listens to rap music is a moron.
Nobody knows what people are thinking; if they’re too quiet something must be wrong, if they’re loud they must be drunk, if they’re in a hurry maybe they’re trying to avoid us and if they are coming toward us… they want something. If they’re frowning that means trouble, if they’re smiling they must be on something, an outstretched hand means that they want to borrow something and how do you know when, and if, someone is telling the truth anyway?
I’m the worst. Mostly because I am by nature selfish, paranoid and duplicitous, I have the need to question my opinions, intentions and motivations on a constant basis. Men that smoke cigars mistreat their women, girlfriends of alcoholics are never faithful (for long) and people that exercise incessantly are trying to work off some kind of guilt complex.
Parents that yell at their kids in public, beat them in private. The person that cuts in front of you in line would probably lift your wallet. The customer that waits until fully checked out to pull out cash is afraid of getting mugged, if they pull out a checkbook then they are just plain stupid. Anyone who uses a credit card for a small purchase needs a clout.
A whore is a person that will screw anyone, a slut is someone who will screw anybody… but you. We all have the same potential only some of us get breaks and some don’t. Intelligence is something that you have to work on and stupidity comes natural, ergo, stupid people are lazy.
Republicans are only looking out for rich people, French people all have halitosis and when you come back to the table and everyone is quiet, it’s because they were talking about you.
Hispanics are better workers because they’re poor; however, what money they make they send back home, besides, they’re doing work that we can’t get ‘OUR’ people to do anymore and ‘OUR’ people didn’t do it as well as the Hispanics. Middle Easterners either drive taxis (the same with ethnic Africans) or they run Quickie-Mart gas stations. Corner groceries are the domain of Asians and who knows what the hell white people do for a living? Shall I go on?
Greeks either open restaurants or become house painters, people that litter come from broken homes, most ‘hospitality industry’ workers don’t like people therefore they are un-trainable, affluent people are species specific and only mate with their kind and there is nothing common about common sense.
Those young folks who dress funny and act weird actually are trying to alienate the establishment, it’s okay not to relate to them, suffice to say that they’re doing a fine job. The fast track to your next fortune is to go into rehab, find god and cut a new album. Don’t kill me I’m only the messenger.

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