Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Idiot D'Avril

In April, big stuff is in the works; eddies (Eddy’s?)  in the wash, as they say. First, Leon Galatoire is closing his restaurant citing that: “it was all in my imagination, to begin with”. Also, as Hollywood has exercised Eminent Domain over the city, it has taken over the new medical complex and renamed it Middle Earth, Lafitte Corridor has been paved in yellow bricks and you will now find Jack Sparrow the new mayor of the municipality of The French Quarter, with his own security force of buccaneers, brigands and bandits. Jackie Clarkson has responded by saying “Same as it ever was”.
            Next: The Mayor, in his quest for a more organic New Orleans has invited all citizens to put their compost in any pot hole that they find in the streets, killing two birds with one olfacticiously fusty stone. Also, he is relocating Parish Prison to the old Charity Hospital building with the kind folks from the Krishna Temple running the food operations and the inmates will be made to wear Indian garb and participate in their services. “Six months of chanting and curry and these guys will be scared straight, I betcha” quipped Hizzona. The elevators will be continually in motion and used for solitary confinement.
            The Sheriff will then designate the old prison as an SPCA shelter and the old SPCA spot will be used to house anyone convicted of defacing public property.
            Times Picayune headline “We’re sorry New Orleans, please take us back!”
            The Governor had deputized all Louisiana citizens and we are all now allowed to stop policemen and ask what they’re up to and frisk them if we see fit; also it is now our duty to give tickets to any meter maid that we see parked in a hotel lobby or coffee shop, especially if they’re on their cell phones. We’re also allowed to give tickets to illegally parked police cars and reprimand any officer that is out of shape or smoking.
            In the world of electronics devices: parents can now download an app called STFU. When a minor has used their tweeter, texter or cell device for more than ten minutes in any one hour, John Goodman’s voice will blast out “Shut The F**k Up!!!” and then deliver a three minute harangue on the subject of how nobody really wants to know what they are thinking, saying or doing.
            The State has now opened a new source of revenue called the Department of Non-motorized Vehicles (DNV); meaning all riders of bicycles and skateboards must be licensed and carry insurance that includes OnStar homing devices for those non-vehicles that go “missing”; roller skates will be excepted. The good part is that only drivers will now be insured, because: how many vehicles can you drive at one time?
            In other news, Flo from Progressive Insurance is giving a $900.00 rebate each year for anyone who drives in New Orleans to cover the cost of replacing the shocks on their cars as we all need to do annually.
            In the race for mayor this year, Mitch’s closest contender is a man named Ignatius J. Reilly who’s platform harkens back to a time when this city was “famous for its gamers, prostitutes, exhibitionists, antichrists, alcoholics, sodomites, drug addicts, fetishists, onanists, pornographers, frauds, jades, jitterbugs and lesbians ,all of whom are only too well protected by graft.” Unfortunately there are too few of us left that remember those glory days to form quorum enough to shoe him in; but, it’s the thought that counts.
            The New Orleans Center for the Creative Arts (NOCCA) has announced four additions to its curriculum: Burlesque, Vaudeville, Street Hustling and that thing called ‘Stupid Cute’ all of which we know are art forms. Guest instructors will include Trixie Minx, The Bingo Show, various talk show hosts and, of course, the guys that work Decatur Street .
            The Emperor of Carnival has imposed new music restrictions for next year: there will be a hefty fine for any band or person playing” Little Liza Jane”, “Feet Can’t Fail Me Now” or, “Na-Na-Na-Na  Hey-hey-hey Goodbye”. These tunes will be replaced by “Willie and the Hand Jive”, “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Miss Me Blind” also, anyone playing “When the Saints Go Marching In” will be required to sit, observe twenty minutes of silence and think about it.
            The Department of Safety and Permits has now declared that any business offering go cups be licensed to do so and, there will be a consumer deposit on any take out container, cup or other conveyance/convenience/container that has hitherto-fore been considered landfill. The more unnecessary the container (Hand Grenades, Huge Ass Beer cups and any Styrofoam) the higher the deposit.  The head of the Vieux Carre Commission was quoted: “Homeless people will now have a source of income from Bourbon Street alone”. Also, required licensing is in the works for anyone making their living on public streets: hustlers, shoe shiners, tap dancers, beggars, card readers and inferior art entrepreneurs will be targeted first; musicians (even amateurs) will not be subjected.
            A move to reintroduce African Americans back into the Treme is afoot as Black neighborhoods across the country become more and more endangered. Second lines, as well as any music club where the minimum drinking age is at least thirty-five years will no longer need permits and food trucks (pickups included) will get the city’s blessing. The Claiborne overpass will be demolished before any more parking citations are issued (watch how fast they pull that sucker down!).
            The new Louisiana State bird is now the fried chicken, the State flag will be the Jolly Roger, and the State bean, wine and berry is now red, white and blue. The State motto is now: “April Fools!”


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