Anthropometaphorisms

Po-Boy Views

By

Phil LaMancusa

Anthropometaphorisms

Or

Swingin’ On A Star

                       

THIS: Anthropomorphic: “The attribution of a human form, human characteristics or human behavior to nonhuman things. PLUS:  Metaphor: figures of speech or symbolism that does not literally represent real things; implicit comparisons. EQUALS:  Anthropometaphoric.

We bipeds are forever Anthropometaphorisizing our and other’s attributudes; you know who you are, you old polecat. Hold your horses, you’re as crazy as a loon, blind as a bat, stubborn as a mule and as mean as a snake. Just for starters. Sly as a fox, slippery as an eel, brave as a lion and happy as a clam. Quick like a bunny, breeding like rabbits, pregnant as a goat, slow as a tortoise and still as happy as a pig in slop. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if you ain’t been workin’ like a dog; you need to go take a cat nap. I smell a rat, be quiet as a mouse, we don’t want to come off cock sure, like some dumb ass. “she was the roughest toughest frail; but Minnie had a heart as big as a whale (hidee hidee hidee ho)”. Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. (We shan’t go into the different ways that we describe our sex lives------ we’ll just not go there.)

            We’re as strong as an ox/bull, as weak as kittens, can swim like fish and the world is our oyster. Our hackles are up. We’ve had our shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, panties in a wad and we’re up to our asses in alligators. We’ve gone bananas, laughing like hyenas, crying crocodile tears; busy as bees and mad as hornets. We’re either swimming against the tide or up a creek without a paddle, cornered like rats, got us up against the ropes and the shoe is on the other foot, (waiting for the other shoe to drop); it’s like banging your head against a wall; whadya want, blood? Don’t give me the third degree, don’t make a Federal Case out of it; get off my back!!! She eats like a bird.

            Make hay while the Sun shines; grab the brass ring, scream like banshees and fight like demons or the devil to keep your head above water; well, whadya want, an egg in yer beer? You’re drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, quit horsing around you clown; come down from that ivory tower or pick up your marbles and go home. Fish or cut bait, jump into the fire. “Like an eagle protects its nest, for you I’ll do my best; stand by you like a tree and dare anybody to try and move me.”

            Sweet as Tupelo honey, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, swears like a sailor, drinks like a fish, squirrels away money, industrious as an ant, come up for air…. Take a hike!

            She’s the bee’s knees, flat as a board, legs from hell to breakfast; damn straight! Full as a tick, one olive short of a Greek Salad; dumb as a sack of hammers. Can I get fries with that shake? Cat got your tongue? Hen pecked, take a powder, pull a Houdini, don’t get caught with your pants down, like a bump on a log. Pigeon toed, bow legged,  salt of the earth, hot as a two dollar pistol or firecracker, mad as a Hatter, pure as the driven snow, honest as the day is long. “She walks, she talks; she crawls on her belly like a reptile” Hard as a rock.

            Nutty as a fruitcake, queer as a three dollar bill with a heart as black as the ace of spades, stupid as s**t, like a fly in a spider’s web, trophy wife, pond scum, a real honey or eye candy. Like a chicken with its head cut off. Cat on a hot tin roof.

We have the patience of a saint, we cocoon with our families or ‘nest’, we sequester ourselves like a gopher or badger, draw into ourselves like a turtle, or put our head in the sand like an ostrich.   “I am a rock, I am an island”. Straight ahead and steady as Gibraltar.  Puts her on a pedestal, on her like a cheap suit, off like dirty underwear, mad as a wet hen. The balls of a brass monkey, cackling like geese, hen party. “SAY CHEESE!!!”

            We’re green with envy, yellow cowards (yellow bellied sap sucker; chicken); we see red when we’re overtly angry and purple when we suck that anger up. My mood is black or I can be feeling blue, I may be having a gray day and orange you glad to see me (kidding)? “You ain’t been blue ‘til you’ve had that mood indigo….”

            Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch. What’s your number sweet cucumber? “If you don’t want my peaches, don’t shake my tree” My boy Lollipop. Sweet as Cherry Pie. Give Mama some sugar; give Daddy some of that sweet Jelly Roll. Like a lamb to the slaughter.

            Healthy as a horse, crooked as a snake, forked tongue, Indian giver, beating around the bush, a**hole, doormat, wet blanket, all day sucker. It’s dog eat dog in that rat race, big fish eating little’ns. Top dog. Bottom feeder. Packed like sardines, honest as the day is long, cow eyes, cat eyes, bedroom eyes, like a deer in the headlights. Shrinking violet, poison ivy, pretty as a daisy, swat you like a fly. “I’ll hit you so hard, your head will ring like a ten penny nail hit with a greasy ball peen hammer!” Skinny as a rail, toothpick, string bean; thick as thieves, slow as molasses, dead as a doornail, done to a turn, it’s down to the wire: say goodnight, Gracie.

“Goodnight Gracie.”

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