Po
Boy Views
By
Phil
LaMancusa
New
Jeers
Or
Guy
Friday
I’ve decided for 2019, I’m gonna put myself up for
adoption; it’s the only way out of this mess and I think that it would be
mutually beneficial for me as well as my new family. Of course, we’ll have to
set some ground rules and conditions; that would be as simple as knowing what
would be expected of me balanced by what I would expect from my new
family. Believe me. I am a catch and
will be an asset to wherever I land and to whomever I land on. I travel well
and can learn languages… but I don’t do windows.
First of all, you (whoever you are) would have to be able
to afford me; I am not going to trade poor for poorer and if that doesn’t make
sense, you can stop the application process right here. In return for my
services which include cooking, simple errand completions and maybe a little
light housework, I definitely need some financial stability in my life. You can
be singled, coupled or nuclear familied in condition or number; although, I
don’t do well in crowds or Eight Is Enough type situations, so, size does
matter.
Picture it: you get up in the morning, your coffee is
made just the way you like it; I’ll know what you like for breakfast, I will
have picked up your clothes from the cleaners, sorted your mail and have your
newspaper ready at your place at the table. POINT 1: there will be no
electronic devices at mealtimes, AT ALL (deal breaker). If there are dependents
involved, whether they be four legged or bipedial, I expect that you will
already have housebroken and trained them; I don’t mind reading to them,
helping with studies, walks or chauffeuring them to their sanctioned outings.
POINT 2: I don’t change diapers, clean up after or take crap from your kids.
As you return for the evening after you’ve busted your
hump for the man, I’ll have your favorite beverage on hand, dinner will be in
its final stages of preparation and softness and peace will prevail in your
household; your mail will have gone out and your expenses analyzed and laid out
on your desk for your consideration in your short ‘attention to life’s details’
time in your office. At this point I will ask you if you’d like a bath drawn,
then if nothing else is required of me I’ll clear the table, lock down the
kitchen and retire to my quarters. POINT3: I fulfill a finite function in your life and am not on call 24/7, after all I
am human (or so I’d like to believe) and need some down time of my own.
Imagine: I will do your shopping, I will remember birthdays,
special occasions and make reservations and such; I’ll take care of (getting someone
else to do) your laundry, carpets, windows and heavy lifting. I’m not sure who’s going to make up your bed
(it’s not me) or clean your toilet but we’ll find someone (else). I am a quiet
person who likes things organized and neat and intend on maintaining that sort
of life and environment for you. I ask nothing in return except one day off a
week, a stipend of a reasonable amount, and perhaps my own wing of your castle.
POINT4: Sanitation of your area is your responsibility, I am your functioning
ward (for life) not your husband or your wife.
Reflect that now you will have time to do all those
things you’ve been trying to fit into your ridiculously mundanely cluttered and
busy life; you now can exercise, read, paint, study piano, go sailing and/or
binge watch the Blacklist while drinking beer and eating potato chips. Relax,
I’ll pick up the (reasonably mild) debris and make things comfortable for you.
Tobacco use is NOT allowed ever in your life (or any other self destructive
influences). POINT 5: You will not
jeopardize my tenure by screwing up your health and well being; if you feel the
need to talk things out, I’ll be in the kitchen doing the dishes, grab a towel
and I’ll impart some life lessons.
Well, you say, if I’m going to live by all those rules (POINTS)
why the @#$!%&# do I need you? Well, I say, you’ve obviously got money but
no time and I offer you a way to have both. Who’ll keep the pool cleaned while
you’re on vacation? Who’ll take charge of the floors being done for the
holidays; hell, who’s gonna make sure you have candy for the Trick or Treaters,
flowers for you anniversary or getting your bills paid on time--YOU? Oh, and
speaking of my living arrangements, I come with a couple of critters and a mate
(she likes to clean so perhaps a package deal?), so, I’ll need room (I’m also
thinking a little garden space as well).
Seriously, don’t you (or someone that you know of means)
need an older (wiser) more organized than you (clean shaven with minimal
tattoos) music loving (no rap or twerk stuff), educated and personable live in Mister,
who is non combative, emotionally stable, politically correct and a fabulous
cook to boot? Listen, all you’ll have to do is make some dough to support us
all and I’ll take care of everything else; kind of what you’d expect from a
clone of yourself. If you’re independently well off or just some Dude(ette)
that wants to focus on your own egocentric driven existence, you need a guy
like me OR someone like me; for goodness sake, I need someone like me, except, I can’t afford me!
So, I have a passport, a set of knives and the ability to
prepare virtually anything that suits your palate; and, oh yes, I forgot to
mention: I will polish your silver (as long as he’s not your horse).
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