Christmas2025

 

Po Boy Views

By

Phil LaMancusa

Christmas

Or

Commonplaces

 

“Those yule tide loving sickly-sweet nog-sucking cheer mongers! I really don’t like ‘em. No I don’t” (chomps onion):  The Grinch

Before we begin with this Holiday/Restaurant piece there’s some groundwork to be laid. First: In life, there are three things that will surely break your heart: betting the farm on an inside straight; falling in love with an ‘empathy-repellant’ person (making you a ‘psycho-magnet’); and 3. opening a restaurant.

Second point: (also in life) There are three things that are really stupid: playing poker for money with a guy named Lucky; asking an empathy-repellant person to move in with you (you psycho-magnet, you) and 3. opening a restaurant; especially if the location is where they have winter as a predominant season (indeed, the thought about entertaining the thought of opening a restaurant again gives me the willies, especial if it’s f**king cold outside). It’s really tempting karma to do any two or more of those things; spoiler alert: there are seemingly smart people that do really stupid things that will break their hearts walking amongst you. You Know Who You Are.

        In a perfect world, luck and hard alcohol will get you through any of the above; however, something else that’s really, really, stupid and will surely break your heart is, cooking a holiday dinner, by yourself, for a bunch of people, in a confined space. Double that trouble if you don’t know how to cook. Triple the trouble if it’s colder than a well-digger’s ass outside. That’s what restaurants are for.

        You might start to get the idea that I am averse to cold weather, so I’ll say it right here: I am. It gets cold enough for me, December-wise, in New Orleans; living here, where the weather suits my wardrobe, I can’t help reflecting how stupid it would be of me to ever consider living in a place that has brutal winters, such as they have up north. I admit, there are some wonderful places to visit up north… just not in the winter. People that enjoy winter cold weather creep me out. And, as years go by, the idea of such a thing as holiday food gives me a case of…meh; it’s like being rewarded for enduring winter and not catching a cold. Furthermore, cooking for more than one other person is strictly reserved for work, where I get paid to do it (although I love my work, it’s not something I want to do once I’m off).

        Now, I’m not the type of Negative Nancy or Danny Downer that would want to spoil anyone’s giddy holiday (wacky) rhapsodies and those that go all out for ugly sweater parties where they play secret Santa or that game where you ‘steal’ each other’s gifts from each other is a major curiosity for me, right up there, with parlor games, Trivia nights and charades. But that’s just me. Henry Higgins and I are simple men; whatever revs your tractor is perfectly fine with us.

Me, for the holidays, I have simpler plans and I’m gonna share them with you, saint that I am; and I’m not about to diss whatever sizzles your bacon; But…. (here comes the big but) my sage advice is that you don’t need to stress about living up to anyone else’s standard of comportment when it comes to holiday behavior. Period. You go roll on mister sister it’s still a free country (I think); you can march to/with your own drumette.

Here’s some winter (in New Orleans) holiday food ideas.

Go to a movie: preferably a multiplex. Go see multiple flicks and gorge on hot dogs, popcorn, nonpareils, raisonetes and whatever else they purvey; some places (Broad Theater) have alcoholic drinks as well as pop-up food venders.  

 Volunteer:  Altruism at its finest. Someone somewhere out there is feeding folks that are as less fortunate than yourself; if you go help out, you’ll be doing a good deed, making some friends and contacts and becoming available to all the food you can sneak.

Clean out your refrigerator/larder: almost as a last resort, dig into your larder, freezer and past the science projects in your fridge because surely there’s something edible somewhere. Mac’NCheeze?

Super market picnic splurge: this takes at least a day’s planning. Pate, pickled herring, cheese, crackers, wine, fruit and a tree in a park to sit under.

Visit friends; surely you know someone who is puttin’ on a feedbag big enough to accommodate another hungry mouth; go through your phone contacts and call someone. Say something like “Oh, I was supposed to have dinner at Mom’s but my flight was canceled, do you happen to know anywhere for me to get a meal?”

Waffle House: they’re open! Always a good back up plan.

And my personal favorite: Chinese takeout: don’t get taken aback, deep down you know you love that stuff. You watch folks on the teevee settling the world’s problems and solving mysteriously gruesome murders, abductions and narrow escapes, while sipping brown liquor from Glencairn whiskey glasses (two fingers, no ice) and eating, what you can only guess as Moo Goo Gai Pan, shrimp fried rice and Sweet and Sour Pork in a virtual carnage of half-eaten egg rolls, bamboo chopsticks and plastic/paper detritus. Sounds good, doesn’t it? And, I know that you know just the right hole-in-the-wall joint that’s open every holiday. Life hack: dine on the floor (your dog will thank you).  

 Or you could try to cook a meal for a few friends and when disaster occurs…go to a restaurant in New Orleans where it’s not winter. Happy Holidaze